Farewell, my lovelies … ha ha ha … or be seeing you … I hope … on this blog.
Finally, for what it’s worth, here’s the end of my young adult novel, which is totally not a spoiler. I hope my writers group doesn’t think it sucks too much. Here goes:
So that’s all I got. If you’re looking for some sort of moral, I couldn’t tell you what it is. Don’t follow strange boys riding on buses? Don’t lie to your parents? Don’t do stupid things just to be accepted? Feel free to take your pick.
I guess the point is that we all have to make choices. Up until three years ago, I never really had to live with mine. I was always moving from one place to another, so I didn’t have to choose to be anything anywhere. However, things changed, once we settled here and I had to decide who my real friends were.
I’ve heard we are the sum total of our choices. I’ve never been sure exactly what that meant until now. I’d like to think I add up to someone worth knowing.
Life is like a weird, crazy movie. It’s totally like that novel, The Sound and the Fury. Have you ever read it? If not, I’ll save you the trouble.
It starts out as gibberish – a tale told by a true idiot. Half the time, you have no idea what’s going on. Slowly, the pieces come together. And just as it all starts to make some kind of sense, it ends – inconclusively. That’s it. You’re welcome.
THE END
So … should I take a bow? Ha ha ha …
Be seeing you, I hope.
UPDATE: They liked it! My writer’s group liked the story. In fact, I know what I must do to make it even better.
Hi there! There I am with my shit-eating grin and my three novels, one of which is a New York Times bestseller, for what that’s worth. Ha ha ha …
I remember, right before we went on vacation this summer, when my third book was published in print, one of our neighbors came over and I showed him the book. He saw the words “New York Times bestselling author” on the cover, and he said, “So … you’re famous now?” And I said, “Um … no. I’m not. Or, you would already know that, wouldn’t you?” LOL!
Well … the fact of the matter is, the readership of this blog is much smaller than the first blog I established. This blog is, in fact, like an appendix. It may have served a purpose at one time, but that’s no longer true, because I’ve learned that I have the strength to stand on my own as an author, screenwriter, possible producer, traveler and who knows what else and create my own unique platform.
So, for your benefit, I’m going to start over — again! — and include this link from the other blog, which explains a lot about what I’ve been going through for seven and a half years.
And in case you don’t click the link, I’ll quote the relevant part:
Now … I’ll quote from the guest post where I made that admission:
When Vincent invited me to write a post for his blog, it was during a discussion on LinkedIn. (Remember LinkedIn? Some of us still hang out there.) We were talking about the usual subjects – marketing ebooks, promoting our work online, that sort of thing.
I think Vincent mentioned something about readers expecting us to publish a book every six months or so. I couldn’t resist saying something at that point. You see, I have a problem. I try not to make a big deal about it, but I don’t keep it a secret, either.
I had a stroke in November 1994 2004 [Blogger's note: I fucked up the date! Feel free to change it, Vincent. Ha ha!], due to a post-operative blood clot going through a hole between the atria in my heart (i.e., due to a complete fluke set of circumstances). About five or six months after that, and despite what seemed to be a complete recovery from the stroke, I developed the third most common movement disorder (after Parkinson’s and tremors) called dystonia. As it happens, dystonia has no cure.
This disorder causes constant clenching and contortion of my left hand and foot. (The side affected by the stroke – coincidence? Don’t think so.) And when I say constant, I mean 24/7, day in and day out. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every … oh, you get the idea.
And as for treatments, well … the story is not so good. There are some, but they don’t really work completely. They are, at best, hit or miss. The best neurologists do things and say, “Let’s see what happens.” (In other words, “We don’t WTF we’re doing, but this is our best guess.”)
And alternative medicine. Yeah, been there, done that, spent the money. Currently trying acupuncture. Seems to be doing something. Slowly. Very slowly. Patience, grasshopper.
And pain. Like you wouldn’t believe sometimes. Picture your hand being slowly twisted in a medieval torture device that never, ever stops. Lovely, isn’t it?
Okay. Now, back to what we were talking about. Publishing a story every six months? No, I don’t think so. Sorry.
And then … Vincent said something even funnier! He mentioned that we were vying for position as #1 in some Amazon category! Well …
I won’t lie. Being #1 is awesome and all, but it’s not why I wake up in the morning and write.
And for me, success is measured in way more than mere numbers.
For me, success is being able to force myself out of bed and convince myself to keep going, despite everything.
And I write because I enjoy telling stories, and I want to tell the best stories I possibly can. No matter how long that takes.
Success is also being able to make a living as a writer, despite all the work that entails. This would not only include all the concentration and creative effort that goes into writing the work, but the physical act of using my hands to type the words. Not to mention all the marketing and promotion.
As for speech recognition software, well … have you ever used it? I have. Two words: it sucks.
Writing this post itself takes not only energy, but decision making. I don’t wish to present myself as an object of pity. However, I am interested in raising public awareness of dystonia. So I find myself striking a fine balance between talking about the matter and not talking about it too much.
Success is summoning up the blind faith to keep going in the face of what, at times, has seemed to be insurmountable odds and endless obstacles.
Frankly, achieving bestseller status is (pardon the cliché) just icing on the cake.
Okay … not only that, but if you read this post, you’ll see that I’m not supposed to use speech recognition. In fact, it’s better for me if I don’t!
That said, anything you can do to support this campaign for literacy would be greatly appreciated. All the proceeds will go the Red Cross, okay? None to me, and the contributions are tax deductible. However, the deadline is creeping up like a cheap pair of drawers! Dec. 21. Please, pretty please, help make my goal! I’m not going to get hand outs from my mother-in-law or Mr. Smiley or anyone on this. Believe me! This is for charity and literacy, okay?
Also, great news! The goal amount of the Sam McRae Mystery Series campaign has been raised to $5,500, and the deadline extended to Jan. 31, 2013. I’ve stretched the goal amount now that I’ve hit my initial mark and I’d like to keep this going, so I can give out more books and make my series a success through small donations.
Therefore, I’m concentrating on promoting this at the first 3 levels of support.
Any help you can provide in terms of spreading the word, etc., would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!!
When you lose money, you can always earn it back. When you lose your health and there’s no cure, it’s gone forever. Until you die. Or someone finds a cure. But hope is a killer, unless you can learn to laugh at the universal joke that screwed you over. I don’t need to pretend my life is anything other than what it is, anymore. That’s it.
More to come. Stay tuned and leave your comments here for Dale’s giveaway contest.
UPDATE 2: I’m on Pinterest now, of course. Here’s an interesting video I pinned. Hmm …!
UPDATE 3: Good grief! I totally forgot to mention this part. Sorry!
Give $10, and you’ll get a paperback Lulu edition of the New York Times ebook bestselling novel IDENTITY CRISIS, signed by the author AND delivered to your mailing address. NOTE to international backers: extra charge for shipping may apply.
Give $20, and you’ll get a paperback first edition of LEAST WANTED, signed by the author, delivered to your mailing address, AND all rewards listed above. NOTE to international backers: extra charge for shipping may apply.
Give $50, and a personalized thank you letter, a paperback first edition of RIPTIDE, signed by the author, delivered to your mailing address, AND all rewards listed above. NOTE to international backers: extra charge for shipping may apply.
Give $300, and you’ll get to meet the author for coffee at a Baltimore-DC area cafe or restaurant that’s mutually convenient, AND all rewards listed above. NOTE to international backers: I’ll give you the books when we meet. You’ll have to pay for transporting yourself here. Ha ha ha …
Hi there! It’s becoming painfully clear that this blog must be archived. It won’t be deleted. It will be preserved. As an example of … whatever. How to be a doofus? Ha ha ha … I don’t know.
I’m not shutting it down just yet. This is just an early warning that subscribers might want to switch over to this blog, where I posted something today.
Most of the interesting links are over there, except these …
You can get copies of my novels if you make a tax-deductible contribution to my campaign! Awesome, yes? Please act swiftly. The deadline for meeting my $1,000 goal is Dec. 21. Any support in terms on RTs, FB or Google+ shares would be greatly appreciated.
BTW, I did manage to write a shitty first draft of the special acknowledgment section of the new edition of IDENTITY CRISIS. Here it is:
SPECIAL ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
No one gets anywhere in life without help from others. I’ve always felt lucky to have such a wonderful husband, family and friends. However, I’m starting to think maybe we choose wisely and that makes all the difference.
When I decided to self-publish this book, I never intended to make a living as a self-published author. However, things have changed and now I think it’s possible to do so. However, if you’re going to do it, you need to establish yourself as an author, in order to create a meaningful readership.
I’d like to thank the following people for providing early financial support for this edition of the book: Mac Cassity, Edward Adams, Debra Hoover-McDonald, Nancy Mack for herself and on behalf of Joyce Mack, Rick Iacangelo on behalf of Mary Louise Iacangelo, Karen McQuestion.
Now, this is just a shitty first draft, but you get the idea, right?
I’ll double-check to make sure all the names are named, of course.
Well … there is one unacknowledged name that bears mention. Jack Bludis always asks about him. Oh … what’s his name?
Bob Broomall! Right! Thank you, Bob. If you hadn’t told me that first novel (my “practice novel”) about Sam was “publishable”, I might never have believed any of this was possible.
As my funny sister would say, I think it’s a “highly punishable” story, and I’m in the process of punishing the shit out of it. Ha ha ha …
And finally thank you to everyone reading this. To quote paraphrase myself:
I just want to thank everyone who’s reading this. All my subscribers and frequent readers, because you’re so awesome for putting up with all my bullsh*t ridiculous posts. Even you casual readers who’ve stopped by, simply because the headline caught your eye or whatever. I’m grateful for the patronage of any other Internet hobos like myself. #gratitude
This has been a really lousybusyweird unusual week year full of epiphanies for me. So, I’d like to end the week this post with what I hope will be a really awesome gesture.
So … here’s a video I was lucky enough to get found on Twitter …
… and here’s another one.
I think they’re both awesome. I hope you enjoy them.
A long time ago, when I was practicing law, I saw this movie. I’ve never forgotten it. It always reminded me of where I came from and how people misunderstand each other for the wrong reasons.
However, what I really meant to tell you was that the old man’s message was right. Do the right thing, and you’ll never be sorry.
Anyhow, I had the most wonderful dream this morning. It was about how I had to write something to the effect that I couldn’t deny that happiness was out there. I just had to take steps to find it.
Oh, and it’s official!!!! We have hit the goal! And you know what that means? My business is back in the black! Even with conference expenses. Now, that’s awesome.
But if I can give away my books AND raise money for the Red Cross, that would be majorly awesome. So please spread the word! All contributions go to the Red Cross. Not one cent goes to moi. And we know it’s not a bunch of possible liars with sob stories. Ha ha ha …
Now, just a few links of possible interest and I’ll shut up:
Shame on you! Shame on you! Shame on you! Shame on you! Shame on you! Shame on you! Shame on you! Shame on you! Shame on you! Shame on you! Shame on you! Shame on you! Shame on you! …
PS: I’m on freaking Pinterest, okay! Here are some things I’ve pinned.
It’s a TARDIS fridge!!!
UPDATE: I’m giving away digital copies of RIPTIDE from Smashwords until Dec. 31. Just use the coupon code DJ28H at check out. Thank you and you’re welcome! Ha ha ha …
Now, if you want to know more about the speech, I could say just click here for the details, but what the hey? I’ll cut and paste a bit. Why not?
Me, pretending to give my speech.
My husband took the photo. That’s not actually a mic! That’s a lamp. But it was all good. I spoke just fine. The crowd of about 20 or so was friendly, and they actually heard me. And I didn’t have to shout.
When I gave my speech, I had notes, but I hardly looked at them. Just now and then.
… “As you can tell from the cover, I write cozies.” And they laughed! Yay!
Mainly, I got the message across that authors needed to build their platforms through social media, so they can get name brand recognition. Creating books involves writing the best book you can write, not just writing crap as fast as possible and selling it cheap.
That’s why selling your work through Amazon’s KDP Select program is basically signing up to be a sweatshop worker. Now do you understand why I can no longer pretend that this here blog is my author blog?
Then, I realized I was a real writer. I had been all along, but I’d artificially separated my work from my life, by creating a blog based on a reality show. That’s how sadpatheticridiculous funny or whatever I thought my life was.
So … the bottom line is this blog is superfluous. Don’t worry, though. I’m not going to kill it. The blog will be preserved for posterity. But it must evolve into something more. Because my brand is the sum of all my blogs, but maintaining five blogs is just crazy!
BTW, while we were in the area, we stayed an extra night and toured downtown Richmond. Here are some photos.
33 years and still going strong. Aren’t we awesome?
Dec. 1 was the 33rd anniversary of our first date. Isn’t that crazy romantic AND awesome?
The awesome story about this flag is that the green represents the Catholic Irish, the orange represents the Protestants, and the white represents the hope of peace between them. Isn’t that awesome?
I think there’s a message in here for everyone, if you look for it. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.
“The prime goal is to alleviate suffering, and not to prolong life. And if your treatment does not alleviate suffering, but only prolongs life, that treatment should be stopped.”
Hi there! I’ll be on the road tomorrow, and I’ll be giving a speech at the Sisters in Crime, Richmond Chapter on Sat., Dec. 1, at Gayton Library, 10600 Gayton Rd., Henrico, VA. I’ve been practicing my speech, and I think it’s pretty damn good for a slightly impairedgimpycrazy shy person.
There are only 12 days left until the deadline, Dec. 10. Yikes! I’d really appreciate any support at all. Even $1. RTs and other support are great, too. Thank you!
Let’s quote the really weird awesome part, shall we?
Parnassus doesn’t sell ice. It does sell books, $2 million worth in the past year. Most were the old-fashioned kind, paper and ink.
Ask Patchett, 48, if she’s bucking a trend, and she defiantly says, “We are the trend.”
Until early last year, she had been busy enough just writing novels. Six in all, including her 1992 debut, The Patron Saint of Liars, set at a home for unwed mothers, and Bel Canto starring an American opera singer held hostage by Latin American terrorists, which won the PEN/Faulkner Award in 2001.
Her latest, State of Wonder, about a research scientist sent to find her former mentor who has disappeared in the Amazon, landed at No. 12 on USA TODAY’s Best-Selling Books list last year and spent 28 weeks in the top 150.
But these days the best-selling novelist is a part-time bookseller.
Patchett, who credits her business partner, Karen Hayes, for doing much of the real work, spends a few hours at the store usually every other day. When she’s there, she plays literary “matchmaker,” as she puts it, introducing readers to books, one at a time, “better than any computerized algorithm.”
Sure, Ann, sure. However, it certainly helps to have a BIG platform, live in a rich community and be able raise lots of dough. Furthermore, I don’t see your Amazon Single, THE GETAWAY CAR, mentioned here. Is that how you’re cleaning up, lady?
What Patchett and Hayes have created out of a former tanning salon in a shopping center four miles south of downtown may seem retro. It’s an airy 3,150-square-foot store with 22,000 books and one piano (donated by a local musician, it’s used for monthly concerts).
An average Barnes & Noble “superstore” has 26,000 square feet for 125,000 titles, a prominent display of its Nook e-readers, but no pianos. And both Amazon and BarnesandNoble.com offer millions of books online — often at discounted prices that Parnassus doesn’t offer.
Patchett and Hayes say size matters — the lack of it. They say their store is big enough to offer a variety of titles, but not so large that “we lose a sense of intimacy, a human scale,” Hayes says.
As part of the American Booksellers Association’s digital partnership with Kobo, the store offers e-books, but they account for less than 1% of sales. Nor does the store, unlike some independents, sell Kobo’s e-readers. Hayes says, “We’re focusing on what we know best: books.”
She acknowledges that in terms of price and convenience, the store can’t match its main competition, Amazon, the online retailer. In the past decade, Amazon’s share of the book market, both print and e-books, jumped from 8% to 31%, says Albert Greco, a Fordham University professor who studies the book industry.
Okay … hold the phone, lady. Your bookstore is supported by Kobo, and they need to sell Kobo devices in order to compete with Amazon. But you don’t carry them? And you’re supporting Amazon by selling your book exclusively through them?
“The Value of myth is that it takes all the things you know and restores to them the rich significance which has been hidden by the veil of familiarity.”
Hi there! What a weekend I had. Sheesh! Who could have predicted that my mother-in-law (who’s in the early stages of Alzheimer’s) would just up and vanish on Saturday? Thank heavens the cops found her in her car on the side of I-70 in Frederick, MD. She’d run out of freaking gas. So … we had to retrieve her car on Sunday, before I could post here.
Pretend this is me, racing home from Frederick, not smiling.
I was telling my neurologist about this on the phone today. My neurologist is awesome. He actually gives a damn about me. How many people can say that about their doctors?
All my doctors are awesome, actually. I must be really lucky good at picking doctors.
I’ve also been pecking away on my novel. And working on my speech for this Saturday in Richmond. Care to see a shitty outlined preview?
Well, here it comes:
Introduce myself, explain my series, the NYTimes list, etc.
Ask how many are considering self-publishing. Ask if they’re doing it to make a million dollars. I’m not here to tell you how to do that.
Never intended to make a career as a self-published author. My first novel was published by small press in 2005, but went out of print 9 months later when the publisher went under.
Shortly before the novel went out of print, I suffered a stroke and developed a rare movement disorder called dystonia.
Despite these setbacks, I kept writing freelance and fiction.
I decided to start a blog to establish an online presence. This eventually led to my starting three other blogs.
From 2005 to 2009, I wrote or revised three more novels, short stories, while freelancing and maintaining one to four blogs.
I submitted my work to agents and small presses, and kept doing so after I decided to bring my first novel back into print through Lulu.com in 2009. That’s when I started my fifth blog, My Life on the Mid-List.
In 2009, I also held a fundraiser for dystonia, wrote my first screenplay and took a dream vacation to Italy with my husband. Having a chronic health problem has taught me that life is way more precious than money, and that I need to live and do things while I can.
Around the time I got ready to publish through Lulu, I read about publishing ebooks for Kindle on Joe Konrath’s and Lee Goldberg’s blogs. I decided to do so.
I started off pricing my ebooks at $1.59, but dropped the price to $.99 to see if it would help sales. My sales shot through the roof. Naturally, they would compared to the prices charged by publishers, which were unreasonably high. And who wouldn’t try something new, if it was cheap? I was selling myself short, in the hopes of gaining greater exposure. I knew this wasn’t a sustainable business practice, but I hoped that I could come away with something to show for it.
When the New York Times announced it was going to include indie authors on its bestseller list, I kept my prices low and hoped, despite the scoffing of someone who won’t be named. When I actually hit the list, I couldn’t believe it. The whole experience seemed surreal, yet when I contacted local papers with press releases about the news, no one cared.
Here’s what it boils down to: the only reason I made the NY Times list was that I sold a whole lot of downloads cheap for Kindle and Nook. I get 4 and 5 star reviews, so I write the best books I can. I don’t pay for reviews. But I hit the market at the right time, too.
Early this year, I took a seminar on filmmaking, in which I learned about crowdfunding. I read about how other creative projects were being funded in this manner, so I decided to try doing so with my books.
There are examples of success stories, i.e., other writers who’ve funded books or series this way.
The power of the Internet was made clear to me when I reached a reader in England through blogging.
Amazon has used the publishing business’ bad business practices against it to take over. It’s obviously trying to become the one and only publisher, i.e., the ultimate gatekeeper.
I’ve chosen to make my work available to all readers, regardless of whether they prefer print or ebooks. Many will recommend that you sign up with Amazon’s Kindle Select Program, in order to make more money or better promote your work. I’ve chosen not to do this. My choice is to provide books for all readers, regardless of format or device they use. Signing with Kindle Select is no different than signing with a traditional publisher. The only thing that’s changed is the technology.
I believe authors need to focus on building their online platforms through the effective use of blogging and social media. They can start by wasting less time bitching talking to each other and spending more talking to readers.
Yet, the irony is that, because of the Internet, I’ve made friends in Ireland and England. I myself have sold books and made book donations around the world. Yet, I cannot overlook that Amazon has helped me get where I am today. So thank you, Amazon!
However, I’ve come to realize that I can’t depend on your largesse (sp?) forever. If I’m going to reach all readers, I must establish my own brand or platform. There are readers with Nooks, Kobos, plus Diesel, Sony and Apple products to consider.
There are only 14 days left until the deadline, Dec. 10.
Furthermore, if you’re on Facebook, please login and click the link below to vote in the Indiegogo Contest, which could win $500 for my Sam McRae Mystery Series Campaign. Vote now, if you can. It takes literally 5 seconds. Votes are due by Wednesday, but please vote now! I’m begging you. Just scroll down on the page and click the blue VOTE button. It would mean a lot, and if everyone who reads this clicks that blue button, it would surely make a difference! Click here or copy and paste the link!
What’s changed is the way they’re published and distributed.
Indie authors have been selling directly to readers long before Kindles existed. Just ask M. J. Rose. Miss Buzz, Balls & Hype.
So, real self-published authors don’t list exclusively with Amazon, because then they’re not self-published, anymore. They’re Amazon authors with no cover artist, editing, promotion or marketing support, other than Amazon’s algorithms.
And the publishing industry responds how? Slowly, of course. A little late in the game. Amazon is a huge technology company, and it’s about way more than just publishing now.
Now do you understand why I’m urging everyone to please, pretty please, whatever you do, don’t buy anything from Amazon on CyberMonday or anytime.
It’s time to choose. We all need to choose. I can’t do this alone. It’s up to you, the consumers. Are we going to let Amazon become the only retailer/bookseller/publisher/owner of the Internet/spy?
Caption this!
Big Brother loves you.
Please consider buying a Kobo or a Nook.
I’ve asked my husband for a Kobo for Christmas. Fuck Amazon.
Or consider supporting an indie author, a New York Times ebook bestselling indie author who isn’t famous, because I haven’t achieved notoriety.
You can do that by contributing to my Indiegogo campaign for the Sam McRae Mystery Series or my literacy and Sandy relief campaign. To be honest, my mystery series campaign needs all the help it can get. I’ve raised $520, and I’m trying to reach $5,000 by Dec. 10. Any RTs or other support would be greatly appreciated!
Even so, I just paid my NWU dues, because I do believe that writers are entitled to fair compensation for their work, even if they’re not famous. Which brings me to this post. Can you spot the troll?
And, before I forget and since I’ve probably pissed everyone off (except maybe Paul and Trevor and Meredith and Nina and the entire #teasercrew and Eric and David and Kathy with dystonia and Jay and Robert Best and Caren Kennedy and Louise Phillips and Tim Hallinan and Sasscer Hill and Karen McQuestion and Scott and Mary C, I hope, and Chris V and The Bloggess and my entire family and all my friends and authors that know and care about me — dammitall!!!!), if you’re on Facebook, please login and click the link below to vote in the Indiegogo Contest, which could win $500 for my Sam McRae Mystery Series Campaign. Vote now, if you can. It takes literally 5 seconds. Votes are due by Wednesday, but please vote now! I’m begging you. Just scroll down on the page and click the blue VOTE button. It would mean a lot, and if everyone who reads this clicks that blue button, it would surely make a difference! Click here or copy and paste the link!
Finally, let’s end with this horribly appropriate teaser and videos from Nik Nak’s Old Peculiar. It’s all about evolution and survival of the fittest.
But remember, soon it will be Christmas. Thank you, Paul, for posting your suggestion and this quote and video in today’s teaser.
“I felt invincible. My strength was that of a giant. God was certainly standing by me. I smashed five saloons with rocks before I ever took a hatchet.”
Radical Temperance campaigner, Carrie Nation November 25, 1846 – June 9, 1911.
PS: Before you leave a comment, please read this post. Thanks!
I’m thrilled to say I’ve already started work on the fourth Sam McRae novel. The working title is DEEP SIX. Yes, my writers group is familiar with this one. However, I’ve learned so much since I first wrote it. Basically, it’s a shitty first draft that can be published.
Because writing isn’t just writing stuff down and publishing it. It’s rewriting it, until it sings.
I assure you DEEP SIX is, as my funny sister would say, “a highly punishable” story. And I will punish it for all it’s worth, until it’s ready to be published.
Which is not a trilogy. You can help make this a four-book series by contributing to this crowdfunding project.
I have 28 days left to meet my $5,000 goal. Yikes! Will you consider making a small contribution?
I’ve also launched another campaign in which all donations will go to the Red Cross disaster relief effort. I’m giving out my books in exchange for contributions, in order to promote literacy, while supporting the Red Cross.
Got that?
And now, because I’m way too gimpybusy happy to type any more, here are some links of possible interest:
Okay, normally, I don’t share my shitty first drafts with anyone other than my writers group. But just to show you I’m serious about starting the fourth novel, here’s the shitty start. See what you think, okay? Remember it’s just a shitty first draft, okay?
Prologue
I once spent the night with six prostitutes.
It’s not what you’re thinking. In fact, I’m probably not who you’re thinking either. I’m Stephanie Ann McRae, better known to most people as Sam, the nickname I created from my initials. As you may have gathered, I’m a woman. I’m also a lawyer, in my late 30s and single, but not inclined to use the services of the world’s oldest profession.
The prostitutes and I spent our night in mutual discomfort in a holding cell in Landover, Maryland. It was my first, and hopefully last, time in jail.
If I learned one thing from the experience, it’s that I wouldn’t last a minute in prison. I also learned that I can’t pee when other people are watching.
Once I was in lockup, I spent a good deal of time pacing along the bars. Then I tried leaning against the bars. They started wearing grooves in my arms, so I switched to a wall that might have been beige somewhere under the grime and obscene graffiti. How did the graffiti get there? Smuggled crayons? I mulled this over a bit, then went back to pacing. I avoided eye contact with my fellow inmates, having no desire to strike up a conversation. I think the feeling was mutual.
After a few hours of this, I tried to get what little sleep would come sitting on the cold concrete floor, knees up and huddled, keeping a shirtsleeve between myself and the filthy wall. I managed a half-doze, but kept getting snapped back awake by one of the prostitutes, who had a cough of tuberculin vigor, and a retching drug addict who’d joined the party late, but gotten a head start on celebrating.
Walt finally managed to spring me around 4:30 a.m. Even Walt Shapiro, one of the county’s finest criminal defense attorneys, must have had his work cut out for him that night.
You see, several hours before, I’d shot someone.
1
Ten days earlier
I could think of better things to do on a sunny morning in early May than to sit at a shabby desk in my small, sublet office waiting for the phone to ring and going over my severely diminishing law office’s financials. But the latter made the former necessary. So I opened the window to allow myself a taste of the mild spring, which would soon enough transform into a sullen, hot Maryland summer.
Law can be a seasonal business. Thanksgiving and Christmas are often a bust—people are too busy to bother with legal matters—but afterwards, look out. There’s usually a run on divorces wrought by dysfunctional holiday “cheer” and both criminal and personal injury cases resulting from too much holiday drinking. For whatever reason, I’d been experiencing an extended drought in business since the end of last October. Where are all the drunk drivers and assault perpetrators, I grumbled to myself. Or, much as I hated handling divorce and custody cases, I’d settle for a miserable spouse or two. Or someone hopelessly mangled in a car wreck. I grimaced at my thoughts. Only a lawyer would suffer such longings. But I was struggling to cover my overhead, plus unanticipated repairs to my car. My billables were a joke, but I wasn’t laughing.
I looked out the window onto Laurel, Maryland’s historic Main Street, all beautifully restored with brick and flowering trees lining the street. This part of town was the heart of old Laurel, what remained of a time that had long given way to suburban sprawl and houses of ticky-tacky, as the song goes. I could stand here looking out the window all day thinking about that or I could sit at my desk and think about that. But I couldn’t go out and chase ambulances or hand out business cards at funerals. I could advertise on the Internet. I could tell people all about myself and what I do. But I couldn’t force them to hire me.
So I did what I could to pay the bills. I sat at my desk, kept my books, ran an honest business and waited for the phone to ring. I turned from the window, went back to my desk and landed in my chair. Thud. Then the phone rang.
When the phone rang, I nearly answered, “Sam McRae, will represent you for food.”
I settled on my usual greeting instead. “Law offices.” Like I have more than one. One that I sublet, no less. Funny.
“Sam? Sam McRae, is that you?”
The voice was vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Was it a former client? “Yes,” I answered. Hopefully, not a former client with a complaint.
“Oh, my gosh, Sam. It’s been forever, but this is Linda Parker. Remember me?”
***
Okay, that’s it. But I’m just getting started, and the fact that I can type at all is awesome.
“We are attempting to survive our time so we may live into yours.”
Part of President Jimmy Carter’s message on the Voyager 1 and 2 records.
Not to mention this highly appropriate song.
UPDATE: One more thing. Here’s an Indiegogo campaign “Send my cancer-mother on holiday”. Eric’s mom lost her breast to cancer, she’s gone through chemo and so on. Please click the link, so I don’t have to type anymore, because it explains everything. Thank you!
"Midlist is a term in the publishing industry which refers to books which are not bestsellers but are strong enough to economically justify their publication (and likely, further purchases of future books from the same author). The vast majority of total titles published are midlist titles, though they represent a much smaller fraction of total book sales, which are dominated by bestsellers and other very popular titles. Authors who consistently publish acceptable but not bestselling books are referred to as Midlist authors." ~ Wikipedia
Well, I think it’s time to drop the proverbial curtain on the show, as it were. Ha ha ha …
